The movie "Marie Antionette" always takes me back to Summer of 08.
I miss my room in the Arlington townhouse.
My favorite thing was laying on my bed and letting my feet hang out of my window, listening to music and loving the evening heat.
Life was beautiful than.



I miss that summer.

I wish I could say, to whomever I've ever pushed to feel the need to stab me in the back, that I wish you were who you used to be when we first met, because you were so much more of a human being. You say that I used to be the easiest person to get along with, I say, I still am, I'm just more cautious as to who I choose to let into my life. I've grown to have the ability to look at people and see them for who they really are before even speaking a word to them. I've developed this because of how many people in my life, or used to be in my life, that have changed before my very eyes into the people that I don't even know anymore. I know I'm not perfect. I can't say that I ever am, I'm human. But to say that I hurt so many people is not even a valid argument. I may have done so without even realizing it, that is a human mistake. You can't handle the fact that I'm a person, than I could give a fuck less about your opinions. You don't know me apparently. Don't go off in your own little group and say what you don't know.


You want the facts about my thoughts and feelings towards anyone or anything, ASK ME!! Just ask. As a human being, that's all I want from all of you. I'm so tired of this hear-say and people just not communicating. Please stop, it just causes hate and chaos.

Last night was the night! Isabelle Emily Stoltz born October 13, 2009 at exactly 11:00 pm. She's 8lbs and 1 ounce with a length of 20 1/2 inches! She definately looks like Nick, so he doesn't have to kill himself a gardner, ha! ;) I'm a happy "auntie" haha.

Today was the PERFECT ending to an amazing summer. This picture says it all I think.

I wish I had myself figured out already.

Well....tomorrow I am off for a 5 day family reunion at Timothy Lake. The first one ever, at least to my knowledge. It's definately gonna be strange not seeing my uncle there.




It's been almost a year and I still can't believe he's gone sometimes......

I am once again getting raped in the ass by the system.



I have been denied my unemployment benefits for the past 3 weeks even though the lady who I talked to on the phone 3 weeks ago said that my claim was restarted and to continue claiming. I am flat broke, can't pay my bills, can't even afford to put gas in my car.


And because of this....no Set Your Goals this Saturday.


fuck. my. life.

It's so crazy talking to my 16 year old cousin about girls. For the past couple of days I've been talking to him about his ex girlfriend and giving him advice. It's been reminding me of how far I've come in the world of love and heartbreaks. Ah to be young again ;)

Also, for the past couple of days, I've been having heart to hearts up the rectum at Tyler Bray's. I don't mind at all. I actually do like heart to hearts for some reason, it's like a therapy of some sorts. I like listening to my friends talk and I like talking to them about what's on my mind.

Chelsea and Brittany Hughes have been in my life more than I ever could imagine. I love them both to death!! They bring out the best in me which is something I've been missing for quite a while now. Obviously, I still enjoy the very spontaneous and exciting company of all my friends, it's just nice to have a couple of new girlfriends that appreciate me as much as I appreciate them.

Angela is 8 weeks away from having Isabelle! Next week I will be planning her baby shower with her mum, I can't wait. I just hope I have enough money to help out AND pay my bills. It seems like everytime I have a responsibility or if something comes up that's truely important, some bullshit happens, like losing my job. FUCK.

Bob is coming home tomorrow!!!! It'll be almost surreal seeing him back with us again.  :D






There's so much more on my mind. Alot of good things are happening and I don't know how to express it. Than again, I can never really truely express my thoughts and feelings without being cornered.

(place true emotions here)

Day one of no smoking.


I'm gonna do this even if it kills me haha.

I'm scared to yet very eager to start a band.....


I really thought how rad it would be to tour and play music instead of doing this office job bullshit everyday.

Things are seeming to calm down in my mind. Certain fears are starting to be laid to rest and life seems to move smoothly bit by bit. I still worry about us sometimes, but I know it won't be forever. I'm just thankful that we know what the problem is and that the love we have for each other is still pretty strong.



Lately I've been slackin in my womanly role lately (no sammich jokes needed, haha). I've been thinkin of lists and lists of things I need to do for myself as well as the house, actually. I want to help out any way I can and I should start being more useful with my days instead of napping them away. First things first, I need to work out regularly, eat right, and QUIT SMOKING!!!! If I had insurance, I would so get pills for my habit. I'm honestly sick of smoking, but it's seriously a mental thing and I'm not too good with conquoring those right away haha. Maybe I should just try Alia's theory. I really just need to block the part of my brain that feels "smoking is awesome" and tell it to fuck off once and for all.


School is becoming an issue. I still haven't filled out my fasfa application : / and I don't know if I'm really ready for another year of school. I had a feeling this was going to happen. I should stick with it though, I really really should. Not only will I dissapoint myself and regret it possibly, I'll let certain people down, like my dad. He was so proud that his daughter decided to go to college and make something of herself. Yeah....I really should stick with it. I hope it's not too late....



My friends are seriously my vice. I've heard nothing but awesome things towards me and it makes me feel so good about myself that much more. Nicka actually kissed me on the cheek and said he loved me hahahaha. Dusty saw that I was in a bad mood and did everything he possibly could to make me laugh, which is rad cuz I barely talk to him. Of course, the girls: theyr'e so down for anything and I feel allowed to be myself again. I can't wait to live with Cassy this fall, that is if we save money in time haha. Oh boi.


Weeds tonight!!! Ready, set, GOOOO!!!

This game of loneliness and rejection is really getting old.

I'm really not feeling life today for some reason. I have to drive with someone that works downtown, I don't know him, and I don't like doing courier stuff with anyone except Keli. This sucks. I'm kind of hoping that he's not the creeper old guy that always says that my face is perfect and I should be a model.....eeewwwwwalkdjf;airjf;aierj;ler.



Also, I'm honestly ready to move into a place with Cassy already.


Yeah...

The old Tavia is back. Unfortunately some people are SOL, cuz she doesn't do girl drama bullshit. Sorry.

I just had a vivid 15 minute flashback of my childhood.

Although it was pretty messed up, I seem to be normal.....


Ha!

I think after summer, I'm gonna be vegetarian.



Yup.

I'm just gonna give up on the notion that everyone grows up someday...

I talked to my sister on the phone today, and she said that she spent Memorial Day with my dad at his house, bbqing and hanging out. I asked why he didn't call me? She said that he said because I never call him......


I called him the week before last asking him if he wanted to hang out with me and Keli by her pool and he didn't want to.




FML

This probably isn't true, but I feel like no one wants to be around me...



No one. Is this my fault?

I miss my friends more than they even realize. Or I need new ones. This whole stupid girl drama that's going on is really depressing me. Last night at Levi's Jenny was on the phone with Alex and Brie for probably 20 minutes each and they called her! I'm not jealous, I just wish my friends would remember me in that way again. Yeah I hate talking on the phone, but it's nice to know they're thinking about me. I actually had to leave the room because I felt like crying. I feel like I'm being attacked, not violently at all, just in a way that the girls in our group are coming to me and telling me that I've changed and that I don't make any efforts to call or hang out.

Duhhh....I have a busy life these days! It's called growing up, and unfortunately, it's the inevitable for me...for all of us. I'm 24, almost halfway to 25. People my age are getting knocked up and married...or both! Some are even on their second or third kid! Really. It's going on around me and I have to accept the fact that I'm getting older, but I don't want to in a way. And for some reason, my friends-who are married by the way-don't understand this concept. Girls younger than them understand this better, why is that? Actually, the only ones my age who do are Angela and Jenny. I feel bad for not making any efforts for my friends, but I made a promise to do that from now on recently. It just sucks right now.

Levi I have a feeling will never warm up to me like he used to. Everytime I try to talk to him it's awkward and weird. He never makes efforts to call me or anything, only to get a hold of Jenny. I tried to make efforts to talk and hang out but he blows me off or laughs at me?? wtf? He wanted me to do this and THAT is what I get? I feel like not even trying anymore. Whatever.

I got to see Isabelle on the ultrasound screen today!!! It was so cool and kinda creepy too haha. Everytime the doctor would move the sensor thingy it looked like a creature coming out of the darkness haha. It was so cute though. I got to see and hear her heartbeat, and she moved her fingers like she was waving!! She's super flexable too cuz she had her feet like, up in the air and near her face hahaha.

Yup, definately a baby brewin in Angie's belly and its super healthy, which is such a good thing to hear. I can't wait to see her!

Kaden is gonna be 3 tomorrow!!! Quinn will be 24 haha, awesome.


I have a feeling this summer is gonna be way more eventful than last year. Everyone in my life is getting pregnant or married, wtf?